Are you suffering bouts of whisky festival ticket buyer’s remorse?
Do you wake after festivals wondering what the hell you drank and why you have 17 key chains more than the day before?
Do you have a stack of brand ambassador business cards that would choke a horse?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may be suffering from Chronic Whisky Festival Fatigue Syndrome (CWFFS), a serious but treatable disease…
Now recognized by the CDC, AMA, JAMA, RAMA, LAMA, DING, and DONG, CWFFS is recognized as a Critical Type 2 malady effecting thousands of consumers of aged spirits around the globe. The syndrome, first suspected as a real issue in the late aughts, was originally thought to be brought to the United States from small pubs in Europe and their “free” tasting events on Wednesday nights. But on closer investigation, CWFFS seems to have no known point of origin making it originally very difficult to develop a treatment. What is known is that those crippled by it have attended festivals in backyards, church social halls, gas stations, and overly ornate big corporate hotel chain banquet rooms with bland, worn carpeting and poor lighting. Have you attended one or more of those in the past five years? We see you nodding. It’s ok. We’re here for you.
The Boozedancing Medical Team wants to help you. We’ve taken an actual oath administered by actual oath givers to help those in need in the whisky drinking public. We know all the signs. We’ve been there. Boy, have we been there. Our Team has spent countless hours aimlessly walking around event halls in circles wondering what we’ve “missed”, paralyzed trying to read our own chicken scratch on official pour lists, stomping in anger when Ardbeg Alligator was nowhere to be found even though it was on the bloody OFFICIAL pour list (damn it!), arguing over the merits of the paper goody bag versus the canvas tote, scratching our collective heads over which masterclass to attend and whether to take good notes or just listen intently, hoping we can remember the exact mash bill of Whisky #2 in weeks to come since it’s really important, and succumbing to the platters of “meat” and “bread” because you need a good base for all the alcohol. This final one may be the point of no return for some, or so they might think.
Oh, the Boozedancing Medical Team has been there, indeed. Luckily we have amassed volumes of data which we’ve poured over. Literally poured over. Not that figuratively thing that everyone gets wrong but keeps saying it anyway even with all the dumb looks they get. Algorithms, matrices, models and lists with bullets(!) have been built, torn down, rebuilt, thrown away, and built again like Rome but better. Much better. Much has been gleaned from the research and the data:
- First, most suffers of CWFFS don’t own mirrors. If they did, they would take a good look at themselves and their cute little “Bourbon Rocks” key chain and ask, “Why?” and “What the hell is wrong with me?”
- Second, CWFFS victims (yes, they are victims) have too much disposable income. The median income of the average CWFFS sufferer is well above (137% above) those attending trade shows in the concrete and building industry as well as the pet food and athletic leisure lifestyle industries. Donate to charity, take your kid to lunch and/or buy them a pony, buy a bottle of whisky recommended by a friend or a guy on a park bench feeding the birds. There are better things to spend your money on! Have you considered the value of a Roth IRA or a Cryptocurrency ETF? (If so, please contact the Boozedancing Financial Services Team to assist you in meeting your long-range financial goals.)
- Third, 98.7% of sufferers have no noticeable dancing skills. These festivals seem to be an avenue for “getting out of the house”. Stay in. Watch some TV. Clean the basement. Collect something. Anything! Baseball cards, bottle tops, bobby pins, watches, lint, beef jerky from around the world (just don’t go to a beef jerky festival). Remember postage stamps? It doesn’t matter. Channel your need to “get out” elsewhere. The Great Indoors is making a comeback thanks to the Information Superhighway. Buy a new super fast router and discover the world from your own home and in your footy pajamas.
The prescription for getting beyond this tragic malady is simpler than most sicknesses. There is no 12-Step program, no natural supplement, no PEDs, no Chicken Soup for the Soul book, no nasty talking to you by an angry former CWFFS sufferer.
No, the answer is The Whisky Jewbilee. You seemed somewhat shocked, we can see via our omnipresent Boozedancing GlobalView Goggles. The Boozedancing Medical Team has been to the Whisky Jewbilee in all of its locations in the United States of America: New York City, Seattle and Chicago. And we can now easily say that this is the solution to your CWFFS problem. It’s a congenial affair hosted by the Jewish Whisky Company who have put substance over style and trinkets. Solid whisky choices abound while t-shirt booths do not. Exciting food from their high quality stable of Kosher caterers exceeds the bland offerings at Big Hotel Inc. And there is always more than a wisp of social justice in the air with the likes of the Anti-Defamation League (ADL) having a booth to kick some racism in its worldwide tush.
From the get go, The Jewbilee has been about the Whisky. It’s not about promotional items and talking head booth personnel pouring and telling you that whisky is the “water of life” in an Irish accent when it should’ve been a Scottish one but the poor kid can’t do a Scottish one even though he’s pouring Scotch. Sigh. But, hey, do you want a keychain? It’s an event designed for whisky geeks as the Jewish Whisky Company founders Joshua Hatton and Jason Johnstone-Yellin are proud to say. They too know the signs of CWFFS and want to help. And they are certified in… They’re just certified. Let’s leave it at that.
Jewbilee is where you can get your whisky rocks off by talking to the people that are making the juice or have been in the industry for years representing brands intelligently wanting to impart some knowledge to their booth visitors. This is not a place to be a widget seller. A master class here is a special event too, not a series of standard offerings from Conglomerate X. Last year’s New York City festival featured a tasting class of all of the 2017 Feis Ile festival bottlings from each of the eight distillers on Islay. Doubtful that you’ll see that kind of array at Big Box Whisky Festival.
Bonus feature ALERT: Jewibilee may be (is? must be?) the only U.S. whisky festival that offers up a festival bottling. The Jewish Whisky Company boys seek out a worthy single cask of American whisky and have it bottled for sale to Single Cask Nation members attending the show. There’s a different bottling for each city too. Single barrels of Westland, High West, Catoctin Creek, Koval, Wild Turkey and Heaven Hill all have taken turns in this honor. That beats the pants off a bottle opener big time.
And the food is arguably the best found at any show in the States. The organizers let their well-chosen Kosher caterers succeed in making the food a big part of the show. “You guys cook great food for the whisky geeks; we’ll pour great whisky.” You won’t go away hungry and you won’t go away wondering what that green stuff was. The answer: some kind of vegetable, we think.
Whisky Jewbilee is an intimate affair with limits on ticket sales with its choice of smaller venues. You’re not going to get lost heading to the restroom at the Jewbilee. It’s a gathering of the tribes of whisky lovers who come from near and far to talk up their favorite spirit and to just plain visit with folks in the community. Ultimately that is the spirit of the Jewbilee. It’s about community. And when a community comes together in the best possible environment, that’s when dreaded diseases like Chronic Whisky Festival Fatigue Syndrome are beaten to a pulp like a neighborhood watch group who beat the living daylights out of that band of home invasion thugs. Or something like that.
So, go to Whisky Jewbilee. Taste Whisky. Talk to the pros. Eat! Beat the scourge of CWFFS. Beat it like the bad habit that it is.